MATT GUY
Usually when I write these stories I try to be fair. Not this time. This is payback. You see, in a previous life I had Matt in my English class. About the same time I had Ryan too but all he wanted to do was to remain inconspicuous and dream of winning the Masters. Years later, when he was captain, I discovered that not only could he write but he could write very well. He must have had some good teachers before me. This wasn’t Matt though. I can still picture Matt arriving to class, surveying the scene before deciding where he could create the most mischief. Which he did. Invariably. To be fair it was only ever mischief. Certainly nothing malicious. He just wanted to be noticed. Like a spaniel that had chased the ducks through the pond and, very pleased with itself, returned to its owner to declare a triumph by spraying all and sundry with water. Or tocall upon another animal metaphor, he was like a bull in a China shop.
Probably few of you would recognise this Matt, because he now is able to say, hand on heart, that he wishes that what he knows now he knew then. Sickening although I do hope he is dealing with teenage children and that they are making him pay. Still. let’s try and find some positives. He is a Guy so I imagine the St Kilda hardman, Eric Guy, is a relative. After all, they both came from “The Swamp” (Koo-Wee-Rup Swamp for those of you geographically challenged.) Eric is best known for a perfectly delivered shirt front on Bobby Skilton – a triple Brownlow Medallist of exquisite skills and absolute fairness. Listening on the radio – remember those days? – I can still recall the unearthly silence only broken when Skilton showed a sign of life. In my view Guy was just a hard, hard man but never a thug.
Now this gives me the perfect opportunity to digress because I have a shirt-front story to relate. Des Tuddenham was Collingwood captain in 1966 when they graciously allowed St Kilda to win their solitary flag. His brother, Basil, was playing in the Ballarat League when I lined him up and delivered a fierce but legal bump right down his middle. And the result? I bounced off winded and sore and Basil continued on his merry way. There wasn’t much of him either but it was all muscle and sharp edges.
Now Matt has wasted far too much time playing football in the Ellinbank League rather than being more productive on the golf course. So, was he a thug? Did he spend all of his time monstering the young ones? Or did he just act paternally looking after his brood? Someone
must know. Another digression which will allow me to postpone the really ugly details that are supposed to form the basis of his story. Matt has a namesake in Matthew Guy, the former Liberal Leader twice slaughtered by Daniel Andrews in elections.
Yes, the same man who was tagged by media as, “Lobsters with the Mobster” after he was caught out dining with what the media also liked to call a “colourful character.”
No connection, though. In fact the other Matt is not even a real Guy. His parents were Ukrainian who Anglicised their name when they arrived in Australia. However, it is time for the truth. Matt has actually some pretty impressive golf achievements which, begrudgingly, qualifies him for legend status.
First, he achieved a remarkable 51 points although this can be blamed on a day out, in the middle of summer when the ball ran a mile and the handicapper was asleep at the wheel. Second, he has scored an Albatross which is far more unusual than a hole-in-one. No surprise that Shane has done it. More recently, Phil Adams. The other was Paul Thaw, a gifted youngster who was three-time Club Champion. I remember him more for his prodigious ability to throw the javelin – untrained mainly – and a propensity to break scientific calculators when it didn’t give him the result he wanted. We finally arrive at the moment of truth. Matt’s albatross. It happened in 2022 and yes it was in summer so there was plenty of carry on the ball. His drive on the seventh left him about 150 metres out and…wait a minute. I can relate to this. I have only had two eagles in my career unless you count two holes-in-one which I am not prepared to do and one of them was the on the seventh. However, you are probably more interested in his achievement than mine.
So from 150 metres out he then hit an eight iron with a gentle fade to about two metres short of the hole before dropping it in. He wasn’t expecting it and turned away before his mate shouted, “It’s gone in, it’s gone in. It’s an albatross, it’s an albatross. Not even I’ve got one of them.” His mate has to be Ryan.
If you want to see Matt in action then he is an afternoon golfer. Deservedly, he plays with the big boys. And have I got payback? Probably not. Yes, I managed to make this as much about me as Matt but he has approved the final copy.
George Shand – 2024
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